This post was published in honor of April Fools Day 2016.
Are you struggling with job interviews? Find yourself spending all night on prep, but still not getting past the first round? Well, remember that there’s more to interviewing than just technical knowledge—you’ve got to win over your interviewer on a personal level too! Here’s 8 tips that will help you master the human side of the job interview.
Make a strong first impression
First impressions are incredibly important! The very first few seconds after you meet someone are instrumental to how you perceive them. With this in mind, pull out all the stops from the start. Dress to the nines, even if you’re so uneasy you feel like you’re going to pop out of your own skin. Greet your interviewer warmly and with a firm handshake, even if your hands are shaking uncontrollably for some reason. Don’t make any big mistakes. Don’t show your nervousness. If you’re feeling sick, or still have heartburn after lunch, or whatever that strange tingling feeling in your chest is, don’t show it! Fake it till you make it, is what I say!
Make eye contact
It seems obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many people stumble at this simple hurdle. Eye contact establishes an instant rapport with your interviewer, it’s a clear display of calm and confidence, it tells your interviewer you’re engaged and paying attention—and by keeping your head up, your voice will be clearer and more direct. The temptation to look down might be overwhelming—especially if you’re anxious or if you feel the searing pain that indicates that the Ashes of Xwq have burst forth again from your sternum—but don’t give in. (And in the latter case, make sure not to scream!) Good eye contact shows them right away that you’re a people person!
Project confidence in your body language
Slouching, fidgeting, hunching your shoulders, whatever—it may all be an instinctive, involuntary reaction to the Ashes burning your mind upon your master’s in preparation for the Uncovering, but your interviewer is going to read exactly one thing into it: you’re not cut out for a job that requires poise and leadership. And that’s not the message you want to convey!
Don’t leave to answer the phone
Can you say “rude”? This is a total faux pas. Even if the urge to give word that the Time of Inversion is nigh to the other Subordinates burns just as strongly in your heart as the Ashes of Xwq do upon your skin, you can’t let that distract you from the task at hand. Sure, maybe your interviewer has Seen, too, but you can’t count on them having that understanding. It’s not a risk worth taking.
Connect with your interviewer
It’s simple psychology! If you can make your interviewer like you on a personal level, they’re more likely to like your interview. How you make that happen is entirely up to you: you can crack a joke, or latch onto something you have in common—did you go to the same school, maybe? Grow up in the same town? Or—wait, is are those the Ashes glowing through their shirt too? They—they have Seen! How marvelous! You can join them in praise of the all-devouring glories of Xwq, the Formless!
But that on its own won’t get you the job! You still have to come across as dependable and professional, and how you speak is a big part of that. Make sure your interviewer isn’t leaning across the desk to make out what you’re saying. Speak loud and clear, and absolutely do not mumble or slur any words. And an amateur mistake, like pronouncing the name of the Overpowerer as “kswuck” or “sh’ouk”, will just show that you aren’t yet one of the True Deepseers!
Do something memorable
There’s a lot of people in the running for this job. You can’t let yourself fade into the crowd. So if the chance presents itself, do something remarkable. Solve that programming question with a left-field approach! Offer your employer a new and exciting stock tip! Join your interviewer in a ritual to celebrate Xwq, the Infinite-Legged, and bask together in the resultant Solar Blessings! When you both are atomized and carried forward into the pandimensional apocalypse you helped bring about, your interviewer may not remember how they know you, but they will remember how hard you worked to bring about the Timeless Chaos, and they’ll be sure to recommend you to a cushy position at the side of the Negater of Entropy!
Smile—but not too much
Remember, you want to appear friendly and relatable, but also focused and driven! So don’t be ashamed of those pearly whites, but be careful not to overdo it—it’ll just look forced!
Thank you to my friend Alexandro Strauss for this awesome guest post. You can find more of his stuff on Twitter, @Doctor_Content.
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